the very abridged version of
My Story
HEART-ON-FIRE CREATIVE + WIFE TO CHAD + MOM TO EMI & JACE + COACH
...I learned how to find the end of myself, surrender in ways I didn't know were possible, and rebuild my life from the inside out.
I grew up west of Sydney, Australia, in a town called Penrith with a good old clothes line* out the back. I was a sensitive kid, introverted and creative, full of daydreams and imagination.
Throughout high school I discovered a love for graphic design. I went on to get a degree in Visual Communications, and for many years I worked in the print and digital space until I launched out on my own as a sole trader* specializing in branding and websites. By this time I was married to Chad, and had fallen pregnant with our daughter, Emera. While I thrived in my business, as a new mom, and loved my work, something about what I was doing didn’t align with my heart. The jobs that excited me the most were for other creatives who had a vision to inspire and help their clients. As I explored this I realized it was not enough for me to just facilitate that, I wanted to cultivate and embody that vision too, something I had been drawn to even as a little girl.
In the wake of giving birth to my son, Jace, 3 1/2 years later, I began to buckle under my own expectations. After much deliberation I decided to lay down the tools, right before we moved to America, in the hopes that I could start fresh with a new direction.
Just as our feet hit the ground in California, I began to feel less sure of my next adventure. This emptiness was daunting and confronting. I learned a few things during this time, the first being that I was a workaholic, obsessed with keeping busy, and unable to distinguish my worth from my performance. I also learned that I found it extremely hard to sit still and do nothing. As this “forced” rest unfolded I began to grieve, what felt like the weight of an ocean.
This went on for many years. My marriage and my kids started to bear the brunt of this rollercoaster ride I couldn’t seem to get off and things got really dark. My brokenness became heavier the more I strived to fix it and every attempt to hide behind some new venture, new purpose, new thing to do, crumbled in my hands. I fell into a deep shame spiral that became less like a rollercoaster and more like an island of mazes, tunnels and knotted jungle paths.
As I tried to map my way through the unfamiliar territory of rest, I was faced with some very familiar themes. Echoes from my childhood called out, many traumas and anxieties unearthed, a mountain of dismissed feelings begged to be felt and a sadness I had stuffed down took over. I was overwhelmed, angry and burnt out.
This moment seemed to be a culmination of so many layers; my desire and yearning for healing, peace and wholeness was more than I could bear. The little girl in me was reaching out for closure as I was trying to reach back towards her. In the pain we both ached to find purpose.
Little did I know this was the very path that would lead me to the heart-aligned adventure I am now on; a catalyst for wielding purpose from the pain.
Over the next few years I learned how to find the end of myself, surrender in ways I didn’t know were possible, and rebuild my life from the inside out. I tried many different therapies, strategies, read many books, integrated several skills and perhaps the most significant step was unlearning paradigms and methods that were engrained but didn’t serve me. Through all of this I found a unique process that helped me heal so I could cultivate a life full of love and connection. It was the hardest yet most important thing I have ever done.
I write this to you today, feeling so whole and at rest–something I never thought possible–with that same heart-on-fire I had when I was just starting out as a designer. The difference being I now feel securely aligned to my work. In fact, this work I do with connection and coaching couldn’t be closer to my heartbeat. It took a very turbulent journey to get here but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I share this story because I do not teach from theories and illustrious head knowledge. The book I teach from is falling apart, with inked notes all over its margins, and words that have been carved out of its pages like trenches in the unforgiving, compacted dirt.
I am so grateful you are here. I hope you stay for a while…
*Clothes line: Aka the Hills Hoist, an Aussie icon you’ll find in almost every backyard in Australia. It is a height-adjustable rotating clothes line for hanging wet clothes to dry out in the sun and wind.
*Sole trader: A self-employed person who owns and runs their own business as an individual.
