Why I do what I do & Believe whole-heartedly in Connection!

When I was deep in overwhelm, survival mode, suffering with chronic illness, chronic pain, rage, abandonment wounds and a deep sense of shame, I could not see my way out of the turmoil. I was fighting with my husband almost everyday, yelling at my kids, grasping at anything I could to gain control of what felt like an endless spiral out of control, trying to fix the brokenness I felt. The coping mechanisms were piled high, dissociation being the most worn, along side spiritual bypassing* and blame. The shame I felt within would come out unwillingly through every attempt to make my life different, right, not broken.

Despite my determination to just keep going, keep trying, keep working it out I eventually went numb and depression set in. I felt defeated by life and wanted to end it at times. Nothing I had tried, worked. Sure I had little breakthroughs here or there but I felt like things would always snap back into these familiar patterns that I couldn't escape.

Then I went through something that would shift the trajectory of my life forever. In the grief of this event I chose to take a look in the mirror and see some things I had been avoiding for the longest time. As I wrestled with this, instead of lash out or dissociate I started to put down my weapons and sit with what I was discovering. I believe this act of accountability and vulnerability lead me to the skills and methods that transformed my life.

I knew about connection and how powerful it was. I had engaged in a parenting course a few years earlier that first opened my eyes to the revolutionary work of connection. It was so counter-cultural and uncomfortable but I knew it was the perspective I needed, the motivation I wanted to hardwire into every fiber of my being. I just wasn’t able to succeed in staying consistent with the skills I had learned in the context of parenting, so the shame would only grow. But as I unearthed this newfound relationship with myself in the mirror, I came across a resource that was different. It was in the context of marriage but with a wildly fresh approach. It taught me how to choose connection without the goal of fixing my relationship, but rather to show up connected for me! This changed everything.

What came next was a tumultuous journey of humbling and empowering proportions. I was given the keys to deeply look into myself for perhaps the first time, with both sobering awareness and empathy, uncovering a new process towards change that looked nothing like I had ever experienced.

Instead of a critical and harsh lens through which I would focus on behavior or specific outcomes that would lead to confusion and frustration, I started seeing myself with newfound compassion; I started recognizing needs that were detrimentally unmet. I started owning every part of my story, especially the messy parts because they became vital opportunities to discover more of myself and what I needed.

After years of building on what I was learning I realized I had created my own universe of connective healing methods and skills. I no longer felt like I needed to burry my brokenness or force it to look like something different. I felt empowered to accept and cultivate what I wanted for my life.

This was an incredibly hard road to travel and I felt so tousled and vulnerable, especially during the first year. As I continued to trust the process it got easier and I started to feel whole for the first time in my life. I was learning how to love myself into healing and attain a brand new perspective that rebuilt my sense of self, my worth and how I relate to others from the ground up, that had nothing to do with manipulation, control, striving or forced behavior.

The fruit that transpired as this healing solidified is like nothing I can wrap into words. The way my marriage, my parenting, other relationships, and how I show up in the word has been deeply overhauled is something I am forever grateful for. I am no longer stuck in survival mode. The safety, joy, playfulness, security and ease I now feel in my own body, with my husband, as a mom and beyond–more often than not*–is so incredibly priceless and worth every hardship to get here.

This is why I am a relationship coach for women, why I built my Choose Connection Online Course and why I offer a membership to my website for those who want to dip their toes into these resources before diving into a bigger commitment of transformation. I felt led to pull together this universe of skills, therapies, exercises and learnings I had built upon in my process to create empowering and trauma informed pathways for others to find healing through connection. I don’t want any woman to go this process alone. What I forged in the fire, I can now offer as a steady passage to relationship wholeness, and it starts with self.

You can see the pathways I offer to choose connection, below. I hope you find what you are looking for!