NET & Self-Care

When my husband and I got married, I was already spiraling into paranoia, anxiety, needless emotional turmoil (NET), anger, bitterness, resentment and I was healing from a 10 year eating disorder. My husband brought a porn addiction into our marriage and was dishonest about it for a while. When that come to the surface, I could no longer trust him. The betrayal felt really deep. 

So things got worse. 

He worked hard to restore the trust but my reactions, my NET, my insecurities kept growing which kept pushing him away. I became controlling because I wanted him to make it better, and I honestly believed he was responsible for my happiness. But what I didn’t know is the more I controlled, the more we moved away from what I wanted —connection— and the more I felt powerless to change anything. I lost my dignity. 

When my husband and I had our first miracle, where we came together and broke down those walls after the threat of an emotional affair, suddenly I could see the hope. So I dove into learning how to sustain this miracle. All my dreams of having a connected relationship with him were within reach. And the most important skill I’m learning is self-care. Because anytime NET tries to take me out while I heal and let go, I turn to self-care and it soothes my soul. It’s a superpower that allows me to show up happy and forgiving, connected, trusting, choosing faith over fear. I’d much rather that pathway than the one where I have to set ultimatums, boundaries or rules for him to follow in order for me to feel safe. I’m not his mom. I’m his wife and I vowed for better or worse. So I’m going to show up as the best version of me. And step one to being her is self-care.