When my husband and I got married, I was already spiraling into paranoia, anxiety, needless emotional turmoil (NET), anger, bitterness, resentment and I was healing from a 10 year eating disorder. My husband brought a porn addiction into our marriage and was dishonest about it for a while. When that come to the surface, I could no longer trust him. The betrayal felt really deep. 

So things got worse. 

He worked hard to restore the trust but my reactions, my NET, my insecurities kept growing which kept pushing him away. I became controlling because I wanted him to make it better, and I honestly believed he was responsible for my happiness. But what I didn’t know is the more I controlled, the more we moved away from what I wanted —connection— and the more I felt powerless to change anything. I lost my dignity. 

When my husband and I had our first miracle, where we came together and broke down those walls after the threat of an emotional affair, suddenly I could see the hope. So I dove into learning how to sustain this miracle. All my dreams of having a connected relationship with him were within reach. And the most important skill I’m learning is self-care. Because anytime NET tries to take me out while I heal and let go, I turn to self-care and it soothes my soul. It’s a superpower that allows me to show up happy and forgiving, connected, trusting, choosing faith over fear. I’d much rather that pathway than the one where I have to set ultimatums, boundaries or rules for him to follow in order for me to feel safe. I’m not his mom. I’m his wife and I vowed for better or worse. So I’m going to show up as the best version of me. And step one to being her is self-care.

I’ve discovered a pretty fascinating revelation since learning the skills: that self-love is a wonderful benefit of this journey because you’re cultivating dignity. It is amazing how beautiful, confident and lovable you feel when you show up dignified in your relationships and interactions. 

I never knew until now, how to get to that euphoric feeling of self love. What I did do to compensate was try to control what others thought about me and force authenticity, confidence or strength, perhaps also attach my vulnerabilities to justifications. But that always left me with those yucky feelings of rejection and disappointment. I now understand that those feelings come because of a lack of dignity. Where there is control outside of your own responsibility (trying to control how others treat you, what they think, their behavior or manipulate them through emotional tactics) there can be no dignity. Self-control is the only control that honors your dignity. 

Dignity is the ability to show up restful in who I am, while extending that grace to others. It’s the commitment to my paper and no one else’s. Dignity is letting go of control of other’s every time. But it is also the ability to know how I feel and what I want; to express my desires in a way that inspires, without expectation but rather hope towards those desires becoming a reality; a dedication to receiving well when things are given; and also knowing I’m always solely responsible for my happiness. Dignity is the freedom to make myself happy in every situation, so I never have to be a victim. And probably the most important aspect, dignity is being grateful for how everything unfolds. 

Dignity is also having courage to show up vulnerable without accusation or blame; a purity that is so attractive. It is being quick to apologize, without justification. And dignity is being a good listener and allowing others to be the expert in their own lives; assuming the best and treating others as though they are their best selves.

How can you not love yourself when you show up in such an accountable way?! It’s a wonderful thing to experience. 

I’ll choose this path of self love every time.