I’ve discovered a pretty fascinating revelation since learning the skills: that self-love is a wonderful benefit of this journey because you’re cultivating dignity. It is amazing how beautiful, confident and lovable you feel when you show up dignified in your relationships and interactions. 

I never knew until now, how to get to that euphoric feeling of self love. What I did do to compensate was try to control what others thought about me and force authenticity, confidence or strength, perhaps also attach my vulnerabilities to justifications. But that always left me with those yucky feelings of rejection and disappointment. I now understand that those feelings come because of a lack of dignity. Where there is control outside of your own responsibility (trying to control how others treat you, what they think, their behavior or manipulate them through emotional tactics) there can be no dignity. Self-control is the only control that honors your dignity. 

Dignity is the ability to show up restful in who I am, while extending that grace to others. It’s the commitment to my paper and no one else’s. Dignity is letting go of control of other’s every time. But it is also the ability to know how I feel and what I want; to express my desires in a way that inspires, without expectation but rather hope towards those desires becoming a reality; a dedication to receiving well when things are given; and also knowing I’m always solely responsible for my happiness. Dignity is the freedom to make myself happy in every situation, so I never have to be a victim. And probably the most important aspect, dignity is being grateful for how everything unfolds. 

Dignity is also having courage to show up vulnerable without accusation or blame; a purity that is so attractive. It is being quick to apologize, without justification. And dignity is being a good listener and allowing others to be the expert in their own lives; assuming the best and treating others as though they are their best selves.

How can you not love yourself when you show up in such an accountable way?! It’s a wonderful thing to experience. 

I’ll choose this path of self love every time.

Gratitude is so crucial to having the marriage of your dreams. It is magical because it shifts your perspective which changes your experience. What you focus on grows, so when you get wildly grateful you start walking in an abundance of things to be grateful for. It’s such a beautiful, simple yet incredibly powerful skill to learn. 

At 5:30am this morning I had to clean the toilet because my son needed to go potty and in his sleepiness, he went all over the toilet instead of in the bowl. I was grumpy. He also wet our bed slightly before heading to the toilet. So I called out to my husband with a slight attitude “I’d love some help.” He helped me, and then I still got mad at him and stormed out to the spare bedroom. He followed me and just crawled into the bed to give me cuddles. Despite me being rude to him. 

Later that morning I headed out for a bit and when I got home I wrestled for 5 minutes with what I needed to do to reset so I could shake the attitude I still felt toward my husband. He was upstairs in his office, so I made myself a tea, and remembered my gratitude skill. I started thinking about how he had graciously cuddled me even in my low moment. He also helped me clean up the bed. I focused on it for a minute and my heart already began to soften. Suddenly I didn’t feel mad and I couldn’t wait to give him a hug and apologize for being disrespectful. Which went over really well. I got lots of cuddles and kisses in return. This is the power of gratitude. I had no business being so sassy just because I was tired. Yes I’m human, and how wonderful it is to be an accountable one.

“… Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.”

— Edwin Louis Cole, Author and Minister.

I love this quote because it helps illustrate the beauty of expectancy in contrast to having expectations. Often expectations come in the form of criticisms and complaints. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice that “communication is key” with the example that we must get honest and directly communicate the things we are unhappy about. The problem here is that all we end up doing is criticizing our man. 

At the root of that approach you’ll probably find a lot of fear about unmet expectations and standards that end in disappointment and resentment.

The difference we need is a perspective shift. Creating an atmosphere of expectancy is choosing faith over fear. It is positive and yields beautiful results. Instead of saying “why can’t you be more affectionate” or “I need more affection from you” we can say “you’re so affectionate. I love it when you hold my hand like that.” 

In chapter 24 of The Empowered Wife, Laura talks about how we affirm things all the time even when we don’t realize it. Our words create our reality. You might say “I have a terrible memory” which is probably the opposite experience of what you want to create. What we focus on increases so cutting down on all criticism (including self-criticism) is so important when learning how to affirm the things you want to experience. 

This is so powerful in relationships. Affirmations help build the happy experiences we desire. Saying to my husband “you’re so prosperous in all you do” has become a habit for me. Because he and I have both feared not having enough. We’ve both lived with a lack mindset and whenever I say that affirmation, Chad gets really positive about everything and I can tell he feels capable as I reflect to him that I trust and believe in him to provide for us. 

When you feel like criticizing, it helps to pause and locate the fear behind it. Then ask yourself what you want to experience and create a spouse fulfilling prophecy to affirm that!