Gratitude is so crucial to having the marriage of your dreams. It is magical because it shifts your perspective which changes your experience. What you focus on grows, so when you get wildly grateful you start walking in an abundance of things to be grateful for. It’s such a beautiful, simple yet incredibly powerful skill to learn. 

At 5:30am this morning I had to clean the toilet because my son needed to go potty and in his sleepiness, he went all over the toilet instead of in the bowl. I was grumpy. He also wet our bed slightly before heading to the toilet. So I called out to my husband with a slight attitude “I’d love some help.” He helped me, and then I still got mad at him and stormed out to the spare bedroom. He followed me and just crawled into the bed to give me cuddles. Despite me being rude to him. 

Later that morning I headed out for a bit and when I got home I wrestled for 5 minutes with what I needed to do to reset so I could shake the attitude I still felt toward my husband. He was upstairs in his office, so I made myself a tea, and remembered my gratitude skill. I started thinking about how he had graciously cuddled me even in my low moment. He also helped me clean up the bed. I focused on it for a minute and my heart already began to soften. Suddenly I didn’t feel mad and I couldn’t wait to give him a hug and apologize for being disrespectful. Which went over really well. I got lots of cuddles and kisses in return. This is the power of gratitude. I had no business being so sassy just because I was tired. Yes I’m human, and how wonderful it is to be an accountable one.

If I asked you the question, what would you rather, intimacy and connection or control? What would your answer be?

For me, It would almost always be intimacy and connection.

The number one thing that erodes intimacy is control. We don’t want to control our husband, our children, our friends, anyone for that matter, in order to get what we want. How empty we feel when someone panders to our controlling tactics, when all we really want is genuine connection. 

You can either have connection, or control, you can’t have both. So how do we get what we want in our marriage without control?

Here are three tips for engaging your man that does not require control:

1. Express your desires in a way that inspires. When we complain, we think we are getting the message across to our husband, and that he will magically tend to our disguised requests. But complaints are like burdens to our men. They simply send the message that you’re unhappy and he is failing. Remember, his number one desire is to make you happy. Instead you can smile and simple say “I’d love a clean kitchen” instead of “why am I the only one who cleans this kitchen.” —insert your own narrative. 

2. Treat your man like you trust him, not like he is just another child in your home. Instead of telling him what you think, or giving him suggestions on how he should handle that situation simply say “whatever you think” and then be quiet, and let him have the space to come up with his own ideas. This is a huge boost of esteem for your man and it will create intimacy between you very quickly. 

3. Use Spouse Fulfilling Prophecies. This one is fun! When you have a complaint, keep it to yourself and then take some time to flip it. What do you really want? Do you want him to spend more time with you? Instead of saying “you’re always working” try “I know you want to spend time with me, and I trust you’ll figure it out.”

Learning to trust this process has been one of the hardest things I’ve done. Trusting that everything is going to flourish if I left go of control —that we will be a team and our family unit will not just be safe, but will thrive— has been a hard kind of work for me. I’m used to assuming the worst and preparing for failure, for pain, for trauma, for rejection. 

But the beautiful thing is, that as I choose to trust and let my heart create the space for faith instead of fear, even when I’m wobbly, I’m seeing beauty for ashes all around me. I’m seeing that as my perspective is healed, my world gets bigger with all the good things.

Even in a storm, if you’ve created emotional safety in your relationship with your man, you’re going to thrive having him as your advocate. 

This week was really hard for me. I was caught in a “storm” that tried to take me out. And my husband was my hero through it. He stood in the gap and advocated for me. He protected me. He really showed up as my team mate. 

This would not have happened in the bad old days. But because I’ve created a soft place for him to land, and used spouse fulfilling prophecies to speak life, like “thank you for alway protecting me, you’re my advocate”, this situation did not break us. It broke me, but it didn’t break us!

I’m so grateful for the life we are creating. Our life is getting bigger and more beautiful because of the amazing healing that happens when we choose accountability and connection over blame and control.

When I find myself drowning in problems, I do a quick assessment of what I am focussing on and usually find that it’s all the negative stuff. Sometimes I go through hard seasons and I feel the weight of it all. That’s a normal part of life —weathering the storms. And sometimes I just get stuck in a rut and need to shift my perspective. When I find myself criticizing my partner all the time, it is a sign that I am actually being critical of myself and my perspective is tainted to only see the negative side of things.

Thankfully I have found a way to shift this.

1. I practise self compassion. I get curious about my thoughts and if I notice that the critical voice is coming after me first, I challenge it. I fill my heart with compassion and grace and remind myself of all the things I can enjoy and be proud of about me.

2. I meet the need behind this sudden urge to be critical. Maybe I am feeling resentful because I have not prioritized rest, a good meal, fun or being creative. Instead of allowing the critical thoughts to turn into blame, I empower myself by taking care of my needs. I might go on a walk and listen to a podcast, or I might turn on some music and dance. Whatever that looks like, it is a productive way to move out of a victim mindset.

3. I write a list of all the things I am grateful for, especially around the ares I feel critical about. Even if I can only think of one thing, it is better to focus on that one thing and allow it to shift my perspective. What I focus on grows, so I will experience more of whatever I give room to in my heart.

4. I turn my complaints into desires. If I am being critical, I am complaining about something. So I take that complaint and I flip it. If I am complaining about how messy the house is, I can use that to locate the desire: I would love a clean house. Sometimes just acknowledging the desire is enough to help me let go and surrender back into peace. Sometimes I need to add action, so I meet my need (empower myself) or I invite my husband in to be my hero by telling him my desire (without complaint or expectation).