Peace is a Sign of Surrender

I used to think that it was normal, healthy in fact to have tension in my marriage. I was subscribed to the well meaning advice that if you’re not fighting, something is wrong. Now I have a different story. I am not saying that advice is wrong. It might be right for some, but for me it always felt like an excuse to stay stuck in tension. Actually it felt like a way to justify my disfunction.

I used to be addicted you might say, to drama. I would feed off of the reactions my husband would give me when I would stir things up and start a fight. It was a trauma response. A way for me to wrestle with the never ending pit of rejection and worthlessness in my soul; a way to test the limits of my husband’s love in an effort to simultaneously challenge and validate it. I am exhausted just writing this.

So you can see why advice like “fighting is healthy” was dangerous for me. I didn’t find relief from this tumultuous dance until 14 years into my marriage when I learned some skills that empowered me to cultivate connection without tension, manipulation or control. Now I am rewriting my story and it is more beautiful, intimate, playful and fruitful than I even thought possible. These skills have transformed my life and healed the bottomless pit of rejection and worthlessness I mentioned before.

What has transpired in this transformation is a deep, wholehearted surrender that finally stopped the wheels from tirelessly spinning to nowhere, stopped the anxiousness, stopped the feeling of despair, stopped the overwhelm, stopped the dysregulation and stopped the turmoil. I was able to let go of the need to protect, armor up, fight and prove myself and I could finally rest into the soft, feminine and secure version of me that had been hiding underneath all the pain all this time. And what has followed is a marriage that remains stable, safe and marked by the most genuine peace despite the ups and downs of life.

So I am glad you are here, and I hope you feel inspired to stay for the journey. I think you’ll find it will be worth it.