I used to think that it was normal, healthy in fact to have tension in my marriage. I was subscribed to the well meaning advice that if you’re not fighting, something is wrong. Now I have a different story. I am not saying that advice is wrong. It might be right for some, but for me it always felt like an excuse to stay stuck in tension. Actually it felt like a way to justify my disfunction.

I used to be addicted you might say, to drama. I would feed off of the reactions my husband would give me when I would stir things up and start a fight. It was a trauma response. A way for me to wrestle with the never ending pit of rejection and worthlessness in my soul; a way to test the limits of my husband’s love in an effort to simultaneously challenge and validate it. I am exhausted just writing this.

So you can see why advice like “fighting is healthy” was dangerous for me. I didn’t find relief from this tumultuous dance until 14 years into my marriage when I learned some skills that empowered me to cultivate connection without tension, manipulation or control. Now I am rewriting my story and it is more beautiful, intimate, playful and fruitful than I even thought possible. These skills have transformed my life and healed the bottomless pit of rejection and worthlessness I mentioned before.

What has transpired in this transformation is a deep, wholehearted surrender that finally stopped the wheels from tirelessly spinning to nowhere, stopped the anxiousness, stopped the feeling of despair, stopped the overwhelm, stopped the dysregulation and stopped the turmoil. I was able to let go of the need to protect, armor up, fight and prove myself and I could finally rest into the soft, feminine and secure version of me that had been hiding underneath all the pain all this time. And what has followed is a marriage that remains stable, safe and marked by the most genuine peace despite the ups and downs of life.

So I am glad you are here, and I hope you feel inspired to stay for the journey. I think you’ll find it will be worth it.

The night before my 37th birthday (March 12th 2022) I was hit with something I did not see coming. I picked up on a mutual attraction between my husband and another woman. I confronted Chad about it and he confirmed my discernment. My heart was shattered. She had been in his life for 5 months. I had no idea she existed. The friendship between them seemed like a threat, like the beginning of an emotional affair. Over the next month we would go on a rollercoaster ride of process, healing and a new way forward that has landed me here, sharing my story and the things I have learned, not just from that moment but also the many years we’ve been married (since 2007).

For now, here are three tips for transforming your marriage:

1. Focus on you, not him. Make yourself happy and get off his paper. When you’re happy, you’re attractive and it fulfills your man’s innate desire to please you. You are way easier pleased when you’re already happy. Furthermore you can actually be patient, kind, forgiving and less controlling when you take care of yourself. You will find capacity to be patient, kind and forgiving just by taking a nap and eating a good meal or doing something frivolous because it fills you up. We don’t have to strive or work harder to be a good wife.

2. Be grateful. Speak the language of gratitude. Search for evidence of things to be grateful for. Stop focusing on the lack, the negatives, the things to complain about. What you focus on grows. Even if it’s small, celebrate when your man does something, anything for you. This is his way of loving you. 

3. Forget love languages. Love languages set you up for expectations that lead to disappointment. It’s a very conditional approach to love. Receive anything he does to love you. No matter what it is. The more you receive, the more he will want to do for you. Receiving well is a beautiful display of femininity which is incredibly attractive to your man.

Through the tears, I formed the words “you don’t like me…” I had spiraled into an anxious state, thinking about how he had mentioned his attraction to her face and their conversations. I compared myself to her. She’s beautiful, bubbly, glowing, happy and probably showered him with praise. Meanwhile I’ve been struggling with depression and could barely manage a smile for him on any given day. He raised his voice and said something that didn’t even shock me, because I’d heard it once before —something I often visited in my mind— “Yes, sometimes I don’t like you.” 

I already knew it. I already believed it. But I didn’t know how to change the narrative. I ran upstairs and sobbed. I knew I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be. But I also felt so burdened with pain. How would I ever overcome this? I hadn’t been ready to confront the truth in the past. I only knew how to cast blame when I felt so hurt. But was I ready now? To really take a look at myself and wonder why my husband was searching for emotional connection elsewhere while I had felt deprived of it for so long.

During this very lonely, painful storm, I encountered a miracle. Instead of dancing to the familiar rhythm of hopelessness and victim mentality which left me seeing my husband as both the reason for and the only solution to my pain, I decided to be vulnerable but with —what I later learned was— a pure motivation rather than the kind that is really just thinly veiled accusations. When I was ready, I approached him with a very raw truth, “I’m in pain, my heart hurts.” And to my surprise he drew near to me (not forced or obliged) for the first time in a very long time, scooping me up with such a heart-felt embrace that broke down every single wall we had put up. In that moment I released all the bitterness and resentment I didn’t even know I still carried from earlier storms, and I chose faith over fear. I continued to (in a very imperfect way) show up in my vulnerability without blame or accusation, and healing began to take place, emotional safety was being built, for the first time in our marriage.

I now know this was a display of PURE vulnerability, a crucial skill to cultivating connection in your marriage, or any relationship.