Surrendering in my relationship has been near impossible for me in the past. But now that I have these other skills to help me choose faith over fear, I have had such breakthrough.

Yesterday I lapsed in judgment though. I wasn’t feeling well, and because I couldn’t self-care in my usual way I just ended up feeling anxious and sad. All day I was tempted to somehow regain control rather than surrender to the process. I thought it would make me feel better if I went through my husband’s computer (again) to ensure there was no more evidence of things already dealt with and forgiven. Of course I found nothing and then I had to deal with the emotional hangover of loosing my dignity in that moment. I didn’t like myself very much after that. I gave into the lie that controlling him by keeping watch of his phone or emails would somehow give me what I needed. I was so wrong. 

In the past this would have led me to demand Chad set up boundaries in an effort to appease the fear I was motivated by, and I would have found the evidence (out of nothing) to use against him. But I now know that all I want is intimacy and connection. And being controlling hurts the intimacy. It’s not worth it.

So as we were laying in bed, I was honest with him. And I said “my heart hurts, I’m anxious and I went through your computer because I thought it would make me feel better. I’m sorry!” 

He handled it with grace and compassion and completely understood! It was a testament to the emotional safety that now exists in our marriage. I slipped up, I was honest and vulnerable and he was my hero. He reassured me, gave me lots of cuddles and I felt much better in the morning. Now that’s what I truly needed!

When my husband and I got married, I was already spiraling into paranoia, anxiety, needless emotional turmoil (NET), anger, bitterness, resentment and I was healing from a 10 year eating disorder. My husband brought a porn addiction into our marriage and was dishonest about it for a while. When that come to the surface, I could no longer trust him. The betrayal felt really deep. 

So things got worse. 

He worked hard to restore the trust but my reactions, my NET, my insecurities kept growing which kept pushing him away. I became controlling because I wanted him to make it better, and I honestly believed he was responsible for my happiness. But what I didn’t know is the more I controlled, the more we moved away from what I wanted —connection— and the more I felt powerless to change anything. I lost my dignity. 

When my husband and I had our first miracle, where we came together and broke down those walls after the threat of an emotional affair, suddenly I could see the hope. So I dove into learning how to sustain this miracle. All my dreams of having a connected relationship with him were within reach. And the most important skill I’m learning is self-care. Because anytime NET tries to take me out while I heal and let go, I turn to self-care and it soothes my soul. It’s a superpower that allows me to show up happy and forgiving, connected, trusting, choosing faith over fear. I’d much rather that pathway than the one where I have to set ultimatums, boundaries or rules for him to follow in order for me to feel safe. I’m not his mom. I’m his wife and I vowed for better or worse. So I’m going to show up as the best version of me. And step one to being her is self-care.

How to heal through a trigger or moment of overwhelm by Building The New with self regulation and integration. This is especially helpful for those who have been through religious trauma or spiritual abuse and desire to feel safe and accepted in their humanness.

1. CREATE SPACE. Make sure you are in a safe space where you can go through this process preferably alone or with a safe person. The first few times you do this you may experience drastic expressions of the emotion because it is used to being suppressed. The longer you’ve been suppressing your emotions, the more time you might need to really get them unstuck. But as you continue to do this process the less dramatic those expressions usually become.

2. NAME AND FEEL IT. Name the emotion stuck underneath the trigger or overwhelm. Try to name it in its more pure form. For example, anxiety is not really an emotion. But feeling afraid could be the root emotion behind the anxiety. So you would say “I feel afraid.” Once you have named the emotion try not to go into details of what happened or who is to blame and avoid intellectualizing it or bypassing it spiritually. Just allow yourself to sit with it, to feel it. Surround yourself with endearing self talk during this process. Get curious. If you go straight to shame that's a strong indication you need to reparent yourself. No more criticism. Just grace and empathy. Begin to notice how the emotion shows up in your body. Where is it? Is it in your chest, your stomach, your heart, your head? How does it feel? Like pain, agitation, tightness, emptiness? This takes practice. Once you have felt it, let your body respond the natural way it wants to respond. Do you feel tension behind your eyes? That is a good indication you need to cry. Do you feel hot and bothered like fire is burning in your belly and you want to scream, or stomp around? Do it! Let the expression come. Repeat this process until you feel a letting go of that emotion. As it leaves your body, you hopefully feel tired and peaceful.

3. FIND THE NEED. There is always a need behind the emotion. Once you've felt the emotion and given it space to leave your body and you feel a sense of peace or just space within you can then ask yourself "what do I need?" This might take practice too. Eventually you will be able to understand the needs that sit behind the emotions.

4. MEET THE NEED. Whatever the need looks like, do your best to meet it or resource yourself. If you need some reassurance in an area, or you need wisdom and clarity, begin to provide that for yourself or facilitate it. And with the help of the skills, you can invite your husband or a safe friend into the process. Meeting the need could look like going for a walk, listening to an encouraging podcast, getting a facial, taking a bath as tears fall, providing yourself with really kind and gentle self-talk and encouragement, learning a new skill, reading a book. Inviting someone in to help might sound like “I feel so sad today, and I am not coping very well. I would love some encouragement.” OR “I am going for a walk, would you like to come with me?” It all sounds simple, but it is these little gestures toward yourself that cultivate the very acceptance and trust you need to build resilience so you can have emotional safety to regulate in the overwhelm.

5. PRACTICE. Continue to feel emotions as they come up. This may seem like a lot at first because there is a lot that's been suppressed. It will slow down after a while. Continue to meet your needs as a practice. Continue to reparent yourself with a kind and nurturing inner voice. Stay curious and avoid shame.

As I’ve learned more about my nervous system and how to regulate, I have found a strong link between self acceptance and resilience. The more I accept my limits and met the need or resource myself, the easier it has been to come out of dysregulation and into resilience and emotional safety.

The healing happens when I experience those rock bottom places and truly understand that I am loved in those moments. I am loved and safe in the mess.

This can only really happen through actual experience of love in those moments. This is why I love the skills because it sets me up for that kind of experience, whether it is through cultivating connection with my husband, or being able to show up and love myself. I am creating safety so I can feel wildly accepted even on my worst days.

And if I were to do the opposite of acceptance in those messy moments, I would be suppressing my needs, desires and emotions, which only leads me to fear, control and shame. The choice is either shame, or resilience through acceptance.

Accepting my human experience and being present and willing to love myself through it builds the resilience I desire; it is what freedom looks and feels like; it is abundant and gracious.

I’ve discovered a pretty fascinating revelation since learning the skills: that self-love is a wonderful benefit of this journey because you’re cultivating dignity. It is amazing how beautiful, confident and lovable you feel when you show up dignified in your relationships and interactions. 

I never knew until now, how to get to that euphoric feeling of self love. What I did do to compensate was try to control what others thought about me and force authenticity, confidence or strength, perhaps also attach my vulnerabilities to justifications. But that always left me with those yucky feelings of rejection and disappointment. I now understand that those feelings come because of a lack of dignity. Where there is control outside of your own responsibility (trying to control how others treat you, what they think, their behavior or manipulate them through emotional tactics) there can be no dignity. Self-control is the only control that honors your dignity. 

Dignity is the ability to show up restful in who I am, while extending that grace to others. It’s the commitment to my paper and no one else’s. Dignity is letting go of control of other’s every time. But it is also the ability to know how I feel and what I want; to express my desires in a way that inspires, without expectation but rather hope towards those desires becoming a reality; a dedication to receiving well when things are given; and also knowing I’m always solely responsible for my happiness. Dignity is the freedom to make myself happy in every situation, so I never have to be a victim. And probably the most important aspect, dignity is being grateful for how everything unfolds. 

Dignity is also having courage to show up vulnerable without accusation or blame; a purity that is so attractive. It is being quick to apologize, without justification. And dignity is being a good listener and allowing others to be the expert in their own lives; assuming the best and treating others as though they are their best selves.

How can you not love yourself when you show up in such an accountable way?! It’s a wonderful thing to experience. 

I’ll choose this path of self love every time.

Gratitude is so crucial to having the marriage of your dreams. It is magical because it shifts your perspective which changes your experience. What you focus on grows, so when you get wildly grateful you start walking in an abundance of things to be grateful for. It’s such a beautiful, simple yet incredibly powerful skill to learn. 

At 5:30am this morning I had to clean the toilet because my son needed to go potty and in his sleepiness, he went all over the toilet instead of in the bowl. I was grumpy. He also wet our bed slightly before heading to the toilet. So I called out to my husband with a slight attitude “I’d love some help.” He helped me, and then I still got mad at him and stormed out to the spare bedroom. He followed me and just crawled into the bed to give me cuddles. Despite me being rude to him. 

Later that morning I headed out for a bit and when I got home I wrestled for 5 minutes with what I needed to do to reset so I could shake the attitude I still felt toward my husband. He was upstairs in his office, so I made myself a tea, and remembered my gratitude skill. I started thinking about how he had graciously cuddled me even in my low moment. He also helped me clean up the bed. I focused on it for a minute and my heart already began to soften. Suddenly I didn’t feel mad and I couldn’t wait to give him a hug and apologize for being disrespectful. Which went over really well. I got lots of cuddles and kisses in return. This is the power of gratitude. I had no business being so sassy just because I was tired. Yes I’m human, and how wonderful it is to be an accountable one.

If I asked you the question, what would you rather, intimacy and connection or control? What would your answer be?

For me, It would almost always be intimacy and connection.

The number one thing that erodes intimacy is control. We don’t want to control our husband, our children, our friends, anyone for that matter, in order to get what we want. How empty we feel when someone panders to our controlling tactics, when all we really want is genuine connection. 

You can either have connection, or control, you can’t have both. So how do we get what we want in our marriage without control?

Here are three tips for engaging your man that does not require control:

1. Express your desires in a way that inspires. When we complain, we think we are getting the message across to our husband, and that he will magically tend to our disguised requests. But complaints are like burdens to our men. They simply send the message that you’re unhappy and he is failing. Remember, his number one desire is to make you happy. Instead you can smile and simple say “I’d love a clean kitchen” instead of “why am I the only one who cleans this kitchen.” —insert your own narrative. 

2. Treat your man like you trust him, not like he is just another child in your home. Instead of telling him what you think, or giving him suggestions on how he should handle that situation simply say “whatever you think” and then be quiet, and let him have the space to come up with his own ideas. This is a huge boost of esteem for your man and it will create intimacy between you very quickly. 

3. Use Spouse Fulfilling Prophecies. This one is fun! When you have a complaint, keep it to yourself and then take some time to flip it. What do you really want? Do you want him to spend more time with you? Instead of saying “you’re always working” try “I know you want to spend time with me, and I trust you’ll figure it out.”

Learning to trust this process has been one of the hardest things I’ve done. Trusting that everything is going to flourish if I left go of control —that we will be a team and our family unit will not just be safe, but will thrive— has been a hard kind of work for me. I’m used to assuming the worst and preparing for failure, for pain, for trauma, for rejection. 

But the beautiful thing is, that as I choose to trust and let my heart create the space for faith instead of fear, even when I’m wobbly, I’m seeing beauty for ashes all around me. I’m seeing that as my perspective is healed, my world gets bigger with all the good things.

Even in a storm, if you’ve created emotional safety in your relationship with your man, you’re going to thrive having him as your advocate. 

This week was really hard for me. I was caught in a “storm” that tried to take me out. And my husband was my hero through it. He stood in the gap and advocated for me. He protected me. He really showed up as my team mate. 

This would not have happened in the bad old days. But because I’ve created a soft place for him to land, and used spouse fulfilling prophecies to speak life, like “thank you for alway protecting me, you’re my advocate”, this situation did not break us. It broke me, but it didn’t break us!

I’m so grateful for the life we are creating. Our life is getting bigger and more beautiful because of the amazing healing that happens when we choose accountability and connection over blame and control.

“… Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.”

— Edwin Louis Cole, Author and Minister.

I love this quote because it helps illustrate the beauty of expectancy in contrast to having expectations. Often expectations come in the form of criticisms and complaints. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice that “communication is key” with the example that we must get honest and directly communicate the things we are unhappy about. The problem here is that all we end up doing is criticizing our man. 

At the root of that approach you’ll probably find a lot of fear about unmet expectations and standards that end in disappointment and resentment.

The difference we need is a perspective shift. Creating an atmosphere of expectancy is choosing faith over fear. It is positive and yields beautiful results. Instead of saying “why can’t you be more affectionate” or “I need more affection from you” we can say “you’re so affectionate. I love it when you hold my hand like that.” 

In chapter 24 of The Empowered Wife, Laura talks about how we affirm things all the time even when we don’t realize it. Our words create our reality. You might say “I have a terrible memory” which is probably the opposite experience of what you want to create. What we focus on increases so cutting down on all criticism (including self-criticism) is so important when learning how to affirm the things you want to experience. 

This is so powerful in relationships. Affirmations help build the happy experiences we desire. Saying to my husband “you’re so prosperous in all you do” has become a habit for me. Because he and I have both feared not having enough. We’ve both lived with a lack mindset and whenever I say that affirmation, Chad gets really positive about everything and I can tell he feels capable as I reflect to him that I trust and believe in him to provide for us. 

When you feel like criticizing, it helps to pause and locate the fear behind it. Then ask yourself what you want to experience and create a spouse fulfilling prophecy to affirm that!

Tonight I looked up at the stars
And called out to them with wonder
How did you get up there
How do you shine so bright
How do you stay so still
Keeping peace in the black of night

One star looked down and smiled
With a motherly voice sung out
Oh dear we’re not that clever
We just trust in the hands that hold us
In the vast expanse of night
We dance because of his delight

I’m the only one who can dictate if and to what measure I’m loved or not. Not even God dictates this. Because no matter how much anyone loves me if I don’t believe it then I remain without love.

When I find myself drowning in problems, I do a quick assessment of what I am focussing on and usually find that it’s all the negative stuff. Sometimes I go through hard seasons and I feel the weight of it all. That’s a normal part of life —weathering the storms. And sometimes I just get stuck in a rut and need to shift my perspective. When I find myself criticizing my partner all the time, it is a sign that I am actually being critical of myself and my perspective is tainted to only see the negative side of things.

Thankfully I have found a way to shift this.

1. I practise self compassion. I get curious about my thoughts and if I notice that the critical voice is coming after me first, I challenge it. I fill my heart with compassion and grace and remind myself of all the things I can enjoy and be proud of about me.

2. I meet the need behind this sudden urge to be critical. Maybe I am feeling resentful because I have not prioritized rest, a good meal, fun or being creative. Instead of allowing the critical thoughts to turn into blame, I empower myself by taking care of my needs. I might go on a walk and listen to a podcast, or I might turn on some music and dance. Whatever that looks like, it is a productive way to move out of a victim mindset.

3. I write a list of all the things I am grateful for, especially around the ares I feel critical about. Even if I can only think of one thing, it is better to focus on that one thing and allow it to shift my perspective. What I focus on grows, so I will experience more of whatever I give room to in my heart.

4. I turn my complaints into desires. If I am being critical, I am complaining about something. So I take that complaint and I flip it. If I am complaining about how messy the house is, I can use that to locate the desire: I would love a clean house. Sometimes just acknowledging the desire is enough to help me let go and surrender back into peace. Sometimes I need to add action, so I meet my need (empower myself) or I invite my husband in to be my hero by telling him my desire (without complaint or expectation).

Gather, gather, gather
Stop waiting for your turn
Gather those stars
Within your light to burn
Take a risk that brings you
to yourself, exposed
Trust your inner being
To growth, you are
betrothed

I used to think that it was normal, healthy in fact to have tension in my marriage. I was subscribed to the well meaning advice that if you’re not fighting, something is wrong. Now I have a different story. I am not saying that advice is wrong. It might be right for some, but for me it always felt like an excuse to stay stuck in tension. Actually it felt like a way to justify my disfunction.

I used to be addicted you might say, to drama. I would feed off of the reactions my husband would give me when I would stir things up and start a fight. It was a trauma response. A way for me to wrestle with the never ending pit of rejection and worthlessness in my soul; a way to test the limits of my husband’s love in an effort to simultaneously challenge and validate it. I am exhausted just writing this.

So you can see why advice like “fighting is healthy” was dangerous for me. I didn’t find relief from this tumultuous dance until 14 years into my marriage when I learned some skills that empowered me to cultivate connection without tension, manipulation or control. Now I am rewriting my story and it is more beautiful, intimate, playful and fruitful than I even thought possible. These skills have transformed my life and healed the bottomless pit of rejection and worthlessness I mentioned before.

What has transpired in this transformation is a deep, wholehearted surrender that finally stopped the wheels from tirelessly spinning to nowhere, stopped the anxiousness, stopped the feeling of despair, stopped the overwhelm, stopped the dysregulation and stopped the turmoil. I was able to let go of the need to protect, armor up, fight and prove myself and I could finally rest into the soft, feminine and secure version of me that had been hiding underneath all the pain all this time. And what has followed is a marriage that remains stable, safe and marked by the most genuine peace despite the ups and downs of life.

So I am glad you are here, and I hope you feel inspired to stay for the journey. I think you’ll find it will be worth it.

The night before my 37th birthday (March 12th 2022) I was hit with something I did not see coming. I picked up on a mutual attraction between my husband and another woman. I confronted Chad about it and he confirmed my discernment. My heart was shattered. She had been in his life for 5 months. I had no idea she existed. The friendship between them seemed like a threat, like the beginning of an emotional affair. Over the next month we would go on a rollercoaster ride of process, healing and a new way forward that has landed me here, sharing my story and the things I have learned, not just from that moment but also the many years we’ve been married (since 2007).

For now, here are three tips for transforming your marriage:

1. Focus on you, not him. Make yourself happy and get off his paper. When you’re happy, you’re attractive and it fulfills your man’s innate desire to please you. You are way easier pleased when you’re already happy. Furthermore you can actually be patient, kind, forgiving and less controlling when you take care of yourself. You will find capacity to be patient, kind and forgiving just by taking a nap and eating a good meal or doing something frivolous because it fills you up. We don’t have to strive or work harder to be a good wife.

2. Be grateful. Speak the language of gratitude. Search for evidence of things to be grateful for. Stop focusing on the lack, the negatives, the things to complain about. What you focus on grows. Even if it’s small, celebrate when your man does something, anything for you. This is his way of loving you. 

3. Forget love languages. Love languages set you up for expectations that lead to disappointment. It’s a very conditional approach to love. Receive anything he does to love you. No matter what it is. The more you receive, the more he will want to do for you. Receiving well is a beautiful display of femininity which is incredibly attractive to your man.

Through the tears, I formed the words “you don’t like me…” I had spiraled into an anxious state, thinking about how he had mentioned his attraction to her face and their conversations. I compared myself to her. She’s beautiful, bubbly, glowing, happy and probably showered him with praise. Meanwhile I’ve been struggling with depression and could barely manage a smile for him on any given day. He raised his voice and said something that didn’t even shock me, because I’d heard it once before —something I often visited in my mind— “Yes, sometimes I don’t like you.” 

I already knew it. I already believed it. But I didn’t know how to change the narrative. I ran upstairs and sobbed. I knew I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be. But I also felt so burdened with pain. How would I ever overcome this? I hadn’t been ready to confront the truth in the past. I only knew how to cast blame when I felt so hurt. But was I ready now? To really take a look at myself and wonder why my husband was searching for emotional connection elsewhere while I had felt deprived of it for so long.

During this very lonely, painful storm, I encountered a miracle. Instead of dancing to the familiar rhythm of hopelessness and victim mentality which left me seeing my husband as both the reason for and the only solution to my pain, I decided to be vulnerable but with —what I later learned was— a pure motivation rather than the kind that is really just thinly veiled accusations. When I was ready, I approached him with a very raw truth, “I’m in pain, my heart hurts.” And to my surprise he drew near to me (not forced or obliged) for the first time in a very long time, scooping me up with such a heart-felt embrace that broke down every single wall we had put up. In that moment I released all the bitterness and resentment I didn’t even know I still carried from earlier storms, and I chose faith over fear. I continued to (in a very imperfect way) show up in my vulnerability without blame or accusation, and healing began to take place, emotional safety was being built, for the first time in our marriage.

I now know this was a display of PURE vulnerability, a crucial skill to cultivating connection in your marriage, or any relationship.